


Ups and Downs

by brookwrites



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2018!Phan, Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, body negativity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-06 20:35:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13419141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brookwrites/pseuds/brookwrites
Summary: Dan has up days and down days. That day was a down, until Phil stepped in.





	Ups and Downs

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Depression and Body Negativity

Dan has up days and down days. That day was a down. He knew it from the moment he woke up that morning. His first thought when he felt himself consumed by the familiar darkness of his depression was pure terror. It had been months since he got off his antidepressants and even longer since he had one of his down days. 

That day was his first in nearly a year. 

It felt like a bit of a defeat more than anything else. He’d been trying so hard, yet he still let himself fall into this hole he couldn’t escape from. He told himself and everyone else that he could just ‘ride the pizza wave’ out, but it wasn’t that simple; it never had been. At least now he was used to it. Once he was in the hole, there was no getting out that day. It was a simple wait for the next to come. 

Of course, that had to be one of the days Dan and Phil were planning to go work on stage designs for Interactive Introverts. 

Dan didn’t know how he dragged himself out of bed; usually when he was depressed he hadn’t a chance of moving, but maybe he had become strong enough over the last few months to muddle through. With all the pain and effort it took just to make it to the kitchen, he almost wished he hadn’t. 

“Morning, Dan!” Phil said cheerfully, already dressed in a typical plaid shirt and black jeans. 

“Mrn,” was all Dan could say back. What an idiot, he thought. He couldn’t even manage to say good morning to his boyfriend. How pathetic was that? 

“Tired?” 

“Yeah.” Dan grabbed an entire family-sized box of cereal and left back to his room, not even taking a bowl, let alone pouring milk into one. Apparently it was one of his overeating episodes. 

Dan didn’t sit or lie down knowing that he wouldn’t be able to get back up; instead he ate his cereal standing up and pacing his room. He ate mindlessly, head full of other matters. 

Such a disappointment.  
Can’t even get out for one day.  
And you thought you were getting better.   
That cereal’s going to make you fat. 

He threw the box on the bed, taking a deep breath. He couldn’t let himself fall in any deeper than he already was; he had to stay strong for Phil and for their appointment. He picked out an array of random clothes and ended up wearing a soft jumper and black skinny jeans. The latter were a terrible idea, for within a minute he found himself staring in the mirror. 

You’re so fat.   
You knew all that food would get you.

“Dan?” He heard Phil call from the door, but he couldn’t tear his eyes from his own body. 

You don’t deserve him. 

“Come on, we need to get going!” 

You’re worthless.   
You’re deadwood.   
He’s dragging you and your depression around with him like a ball and chain.   
Worthless. 

“Dan, are you okay?” 

It wasn’t until then that Dan realized he’d been speaking his thoughts. Phil had entered the room out of concern, and Dan knew that, but having him walk in on him in that shameful moment filled him with pure anger. 

“I’m fine.” 

Phil made eye contact with Dan, chocolate brown meeting ocean sunrise. “Dan, I don’t think you’re fine.” 

“I said I’m fine!” Dan shouted, tearing his eyes away. “Now let’s get to our appointment.” He took off across the room, speedwalking past Phil and towards the door, but he was stopped by a hand grabbing his forearm. 

“We’re not going anywhere.” 

“But Phil, we’ve got-” 

“I can reschedule. You’re obviously not alright. Sit down.” 

“I-”

“Sit down.”

Dan staggered over to his bed and flopped down, finally letting the wall he built around himself collapse. “I thought I was doing better.”

“You are. You’re doing so much better.” 

“No I’m not!” he yelled, sitting up and letting his anger consuming him. “I worked so hard to get better over the last few years and now I’m right back where I started. I’m such a worthless piece of shit; there’s really no point.” Tears poured down his cheeks. 

“Yes, you are.” Phil reached out and wiped a tear from Dan’s cheek, showing the younger his fingers, shining from the water. “Look at this. You’re crying, Dan. When this used to happen, you couldn’t do anything. You couldn’t get up, you couldn’t get dressed, and you couldn’t cry. You’ve done all those things today! You may feel like it’s the same, but believe me, Dan, you’re reacting to it so much better than you used to.” 

Dan’s face relaxed away its anger as he realized Phil was right. “Really?” 

“Really.” 

Phil softly pushed him backwards until his head was against his pillow, then curled his arms around the chestnut-haired man. Dan shut his eyes, relishing in the moment, and when he reopened them he felt a little bit better. It was something that never happened to him before, his depression improving in the middle of a day. Even Phil had never been able to do that for him before. His old episodes were an entire day or more, no matter what. Maybe Phil was right. Maybe he was stronger now. Maybe it was just a one time thing, and he really was better. Even with his work to get better, it was still normal to have ups and downs. And somehow, unprecedentedly, with Phil’s arms around him, that day miraculously turned into an up.


End file.
